Overwhelmed

Even if you’ve traveled to Paris on vacation many times like I have, it’s different being a long-term resident and having to deal with day-to-day stuff is scary. I need to check my email; where is the grocery store; I’m hungry. Tons of different languages, tons of faces, all looking lost, scared, excited, mad, exasperated, tired, treacherous and glorious. If that doesn’t sum up Paris, I don’t know what does! (smile) Ok, what scares me today? Everything! For some reason, I find walking into crowed cafes scary. So I make myself go into a crowded café and order breakfast. Baby steps. Decide I need a schedule for myself to help me be less anxious. So I make one. Then I go to the post office and buy stamps. May sound silly, but actually accomplishing the little things are what you’ll hold onto.

The week is odd; having a hard time getting going; feel nervous all the time. Miss my friends. Eating takes effort and requires nerve. A new diet plan: the Fear Diet. I’m a big girl; and sometimes it looks like everyone here is a size two. Could some of the seats be any smaller? Will I be able to find clothes that fit? How will I fit in here? Everyone is looking at me. I love how melodramatic and paranoid it seems now. But it wasn’t then. Having thoughts of getting back with everyone of my old boyfriends in the States. See, that’s what being so lonely gets you! Takes me ½ hour to figure out how the washing machine works. I used to be competent back home! And now, I have to begin my research…in French…